Grief is a formless, dense, unyielding thing. It is a parachute full of sand you are tasked with dragging uphill. This grief has no handles, nothing by which you can grasp it, no way to gain enough purchase to move it forward.
I wrote those words a year ago this week, on some friends’ couch at 1:00am. It had only been hours since our friend Jason died, and it was more than sinking in. The grief was threatening to pull us down with it.
Now, when I read the rest of that post, I can see that I wasn’t hopeless, even then. I knew more or less how to get through my own mourning, and I had some general (albeit imperfect) idea of how to grieve alongside Emory and so many other friends. But healing seemed so far away and–cliche though it sounds–the only way to get there was through time.
I’ve paid enough attention to know that time itself doesn’t actually heal anything. Time is just something we travel in, like a train car. It moves us continually forward, past one thing and toward the next.
Time is only a vehicle. It determines that we will move in some direction, but it doesn’t determine the direction itself. That part is mostly up to us.
It wouldn’t quite be accurate to say I’m over Jason’s absence. I knew from the moment Billy called me with the news that he was an irreplacable person in my life. We had too much history together over too many years for me to be able to fill that space with someone else. I will always carry an empty pocket with me, now that my friend is gone.
But I’m no longer dragging that parachute of sand. Rather, I’m carrying some much lighter reminders–peppermints, let’s say–of one of the most enduring friendships of my life. Although it is sad to have lost that friendship–at least on this side of heaven–the reminders of that loss sit alongside plenty of memories I treasure.
So when I reconnect with old friends this week and feel once more the pangs of loss, I’ll remember to be thankful for what time does. It gives us history to bind us to other people, a framework for which to understand our lives. And it presents for us a pathway to travel beyond what otherwise might crush us.
We cannot go back to retrieve what we’ve lost, but we can move forward to whatever good things are to come.